January sucks

WARNING: This blog is meant to be about me—through the highs and the lows—and well, here are some lows. This is a sad and sappy blog post, but I just need to get my thoughts out. And what better way than for a bunch of strangers on the Internet?

January sucks. For some people, it’s a fresh start. You’ve got your resolutions ready to go and a clean slate for the new year. Three of my oldest and very best friends were born in this month! However, for my family, January is the worst.

January is when I went through radiation therapy a few years ago, when my mom has gone through not one, but two different surgeries. It’s when I lost both of my grandfathers (different years). It’s when my uncle passed after battling ALS for ten years. My family was also hit with the devastating blow of the loss of his daughter, my cousin Annie, who was taken way before her time. During this month, I count the down days until we can make it through to February unscathed. Sadly, this year is no exception.

I’m writing this two days before I go see a neurological oncologist—on January 31st, of course. My first MRI in a year didn’t come out as well as we would have liked. I had a full day of having my report before hearing from my doctor—bad idea. I was googling every single medical term I didn’t know, even having to give the report to my mom so she could hide it from me. It was driving me crazy. When I finally spoke to my doctor about what the results meant, he didn’t exactly ease my fears. He wasn’t sure what to make of my results—if the things that were of concern were related to my past tumor/surgery/radiation, or something else—so he thought the best plan of action was the oncologist. So I have spent the last few weeks of this horrible month in a panic. This new doctor may look at my images and say I’m just fine, or this is only the beginning of the worst possible scenario. My inability to sleep is worse than ever and so are my headaches. My body is taking the panic and manifesting it into pain. I just want this to be over.

So please send me your prayers, thoughts, positive vibes, or whatever kind of things you believe in, my way. I think I’m going to need as much as I can get. Sorry for the bummer post.

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